to the fat girl,
to the sad girl,
to the weird one,
to the girl confused about her sexuality,
the girl with the skinny best friend.
Do not be afraid. When he tells you that he loves you. Do not get red, when he says that he means it. Hold his hand in public,and let everyone stare.
The thoughts that run through the mind of a fat girl?
Number one, will my best friend still love me if I take my shirt off? I could fit my hand on his hip bones.
He could put his hands on a clump of excess girl.
Number two, when we held hands in public I could only think about how the people around us stared, and I wonder if he noticed.
Number 3? Fuck you, Cosmo. No I don’t need your tips, on how to make a person love me even if I have a body twice the size of his.
Number 4? skinny feels as good as food tastes? I don’t know about you but that slice of pizza definitely tastes better than how Miley Cyrus looks.
Number 5? Did I not get picked for that school of performing because I was too big? They tell me that I can’t be picked as a romantic character?
We have characters of flying children and singing animals? But we can’t have an overweight woman use her talent to entertain?
Number 6? Fat girl who’s jeans are getting looser and looser and no one notices. The fat girl will always be the fat girl no matter how hard she tries.
This is for the fat girl who sits alone and she cries. The binge without the purge, the anorexia, the bulimia.
Number 7. The phrase that “fat girls need love to” can burn in a fire. Loving me is not a novelty. My body type is not a fetish. I am a fucking woman and women are beautiful.
Number 8. I say I’m fat, they say “No Carly you are beautiful.” but the thing I don’t quite understand is why I can’t be both?
Number 9. And girls are not the only ones with these problems. What about the boys? They go through so much more than the girls. A boy a third my size might hate himself three times more than me, but no one cares to notice.
And number ten? How does it feel to be genuinely loved by a boy who is skinny? He thinks he is not beautiful, and I keep telling him that he is. But secretly I don’t want him to believe it, because one day, when he does. I’m afraid he will leave. And find a girl, with collar bones, and a small waist.
But that’s enough moaning now it’s time to inspire you. So you don’t feel the way that I do.
And hey, straight people? Why are you telling me my love makes you feel uncomfortable? That makes me uncomfortable and now look, we’re all uncomfortable. I blame you for keeping us in the closet. Fuck, you are the REASON there is a closet.
Don’t tell me I can’t kiss my girlfriend in public because it’s unethical for your child to see. Guess what? Now I can’t raise a child with the love of my life if I wanted to. And if I did? It would be a victim to the system because it’s not okay for you. Nothing is ever okay with you. Yes I get it. You don’t like things that are different. You think we have different morals. And you’re right. You kill everything that is different. But me? I embrace it.
To the adolescent girl, who was told she was too fat, do not get red in the face, do not get sad. You simply go home and remember that you are beautiful, and you are fat.
Fat is not a band thing anymore.
To the boy, who had his heart broken by the girl of his dreams? You move on and you find a girl who loves you like you love her. You find the constellations in her eyes until they become skies that you wish would be night forever.
To my family, who were ashamed of me most of my life, who didn’t think I could make something of myself. Look who’s on this stage facing their fear, assholes.
To the person out there, who decided to go see their kid instead of shooting up tonight, please make it a point to see your kid all the time, because their happiness will give you such a better feeling that the feeling of a needle in your arm, I promise.
And to the girl, with crooked teeth, and short hair, who gets stopped in the hallway and is asked if she’s a boy. You tell them that you keep your hair short so you don’t worry about them having something to hold onto when you headbutt them. And you know what I want you to do? Fucking headbutt them.
To the kids, who are going to go home tonight and hurt themselves, do you think it’s really worth it? I did that for a while and you know what it did for me? Nothing, absolutely nothing. We tell ourselves we deserve pain but all we need is to find the beauty.
And when the boy you thought you loved, breaks your heart by delivering the first black eye? You fight back.
But when your mother hits you, do not fight back.
When your friends upset you, make sure it’s because they care.
If they don’t, then you beat them up.
If they are your best friend, you sit there and you take the words they lash you with.
My best friend loves me.
He tells me everyday.
He might be as queer as folk music,
And he might love his boyfriend more than he loves me,
And I might think it makes no sense at all.
I will get jealous, and I will become bitter in my mind.
But what am I going to do?
I am going to be syrupy sweet and be happy for him.
But when the boy you love breaks your heart? You simply let him.
If you have scars? You wear them with pride. Don’t let these people tell you how to live your life.
Embrace who you are, and be yourself. Fall in love with yourself and make a date of it. Look in the mirror and tell yourself your beautiful. You might not believe it, because I didn’t either. I cried every night because I knew it wasn’t true. But one day I stopped hurting and told my self I was worth it. You know what? They fucking respect me now. I wear the cuts across my arms and legs with pride because I fought a battle with myself for seven years and you know what? I’m glad all I have is a few scars.
We are seeds. We can make trees and let go of leaves that look charming when pressed in books and placed in picture frames but they will not learn to feed our families the way that seeds do.
We can tell ourselves day after day that no one will love us, and it’s true. Maybe no one ever will. But we have to love ourselves.
We have to take our broken hearts and mend them.
We are freaks, we are broken, we are sad, and yeah some of us are fat. But you know what?
These things make us who we are.
We are people and all people deserve to love themselves.